It's time for me to be honest with myself.
It seems that its so easy to pretend that your body isn't changing
That you can eat whatever you want like the rest of your friends and family
but then you start wearing sweat pants more often and baggier and baggier T shirts.
You start to be in denial why your jeans get too tight.
You start to lie to yourself daily - TOMORROW I will do better.
I'm so sad to say that I Gained Weight.
Weight that I worked SO HARD to lose.
It took me almost a year to lose 19 pounds by eating healthy and exercising daily.
But ever since I went to Disneyland in October, I haven't been able to reign in my eating habits. I haven't been able to stop finding excuses not to workout and not to have to eat clean and reasons why it would be okay to get a cookie with my salad at paradise....
I could feel myself slipping slowly into my old habits. Lying to myself and the people around me. Binge eating daily. Treating everyday as a cheat day. Using the Holidays as an excuse to eat like I was at a buffet.
But I did all of these things. I did it and I was too ashamed and scared to step onto the scale. I kept thinking that I would go back to eating healthy and that I would go back to the way I was before. But of course it's not that easy. I finally had the courage to weigh myself today and I've gained 10 pounds.
TEN POUNDS that took me MONTHS to lose.
10 pounds I lost by WORKING MY BUTT OFF in a CrossFit gym that I no longer have the time or money for.
10 Pounds that came from ordering salads when everyone else was ordering pasta, from eating fruit when everyone else ate ice cream, from prepping meals at night when everyone else was watching T.V.
I think you get the picture. Those 10 pounds were hard work, and I feel like I've just thrown in all down the drain.
I remembered a quote that used to fuel me in the beginning. It was: "Eat to live, don't live to eat". I feel like I used to really know what that meant. I used to live by it. I would feel bad for the people around me who were fueled by the food they would get to eat, so excited for the dessert.
I would feel power from turning down the bread and I would feel more motivated the more I stuck to my eating plan.
Tomorrow I start, I mean REALLY start going back to the habits I had worked so hard to acquire.
I will eat clean, healthy and fresh foods.
I'm starting a new challenge to motivate me to workout daily (even if its not a crossfit wod) called the Spartan 30.
I will take new pictures of me at my new weight - even though I am extremely embarrassed that I let this happen and that I am not the person I wanted to be this year.
Its 2014, and I hope to be able to make the most of it.